A Dog's Life It Is...

Have you ever wondered why the statement ‘it’s a dog’s life’?

It must have started in the centuries past, where man and dog co-existed and hunted together, dog doing all the toiling and man just going in for the kill and could have meant working oneself out over little gains. But things are fast a-changing.

Today, in the urban lifestyle, a dog is the king of the crib. Ask me, or better still, ask Apache!

Apache is my Belgian Shepherd dog, jet black coat with a white scarf patch, six hind toes, and brown eyes that seem to soften the grim look he would have had they been the color of his coat. But that is not the best thing about Apache. It is his incredible ability to deter strangers through a guerilla tactic of hug and lick that deter even the most patient dog lovers and would be miscreants. More likely his ‘licks can kill’.

But let me not boast of Apache’s handsome demeanor. This blog is about my envy of his life. A dog’s life. And I want it!

Apache’s day begins sharp at half past whenever he wants to wake up. His wake up yawn is followed up with a few full body stretches that gets him ready for the next item on the agenda – become an alarm clock.

Apache has distinct ways to wake up each person at home. Me, he will wake up by licking my hand and letting me know it’s time to wake up and wash my hands before I touch anything! The rest are woken up by his gentle prancing across the home bundled with some non-stop clicketty-click footwork. Once all of us are up, the day begins at home.

Having completed mission wakey wakey, Apache’s next order of business is a visit to the trenches. Cadet ‘Patch is well trained to soil only where the soil can absorb and reuse. The morning ablutions are combined with his morning walk, an hour long with gentle pauses of catnip salad and ritual territorial markings.

There are those rare days when this leisurely walk is disturbed by stray canine hooligans who are dealt with severe barks, growls, and more territorial markings that would cause the Nile to dry up. The return walk back home is sprinkled with some gazelle-like bounding and hunter stalk and ambush with my shoes while I am wearing them. Seems I wear them out way to soon and it could be attributed to the Peter Pan of dogs.

Once home after the morning walk, Apache tanks up on water and chows down on a breakfast of pet-food or gourmet dog food prepared especially for him. A good breakfast meal is a heavy meal that straight up leads to a snooze.

Nap times are long and languid hours of nothingness punctuated with barks, scratches, and a few gulps from the fountain of the thirst busters. This is followed by longer naps and more of those distractions.

By midday the haze of laze subsides with a want of activity. A passerby, some chirping birds, joyous shouts of children playing, or even a breeze of wind that rustles the leaves is adequate to rouse curiosity. And that piqued inquisitivity is sated with some relentless barking and quick-pawed rounds around the house.

If it’s the children that caused this activity, it is further fueled by an exchange of canine talk between the children and Apache. I wonder what is it that the children communicate with him but he seems happy to be able to voice back to them in response to their initial discussion point.

Some more sleep followed with a treat of chewies (those doggie treats that act as supplements and seem to taste good as per Apache).

By the time it’s 6ish in the evening, it’s time for the evening walk. As all walks, this one too is greeted with some excitement and impatience. Every time the leash is brought to his collar, Apache responds by trying to chase his tail. I have no idea whether he wants the leash to be tied to his collar or his tail! Nonetheless, leash secured, we begin our eveninger. A walk by the sunset. A walk by folks returning home. A walk by the mornings poop stop. Stinky doobidy doo.

On the return, there is some chase the legs game. Apache tries to stalk and hunt my legs while I try to hurdle over his attempts. This is his favorite game and he can go through hours of this if he gets his way.

Back home, after that bit of exercise and activity, a bowl filled with water quenches his thirst while a dinner or soup with bones, meat, rice, and mashed veggies greets his pallet appetizingly. With speed and dexterity the meat is identified and savaged upon. Then come the bones alternated with the broth. Finally the rice and veggies go in grudgingly. And then burrrrp!

He is happy the day went well. Now time can be spent lying down while we watch television, unless there is meat for our meal tantalizing him to want some more. The day ends with the cliketty-click of paws heading back towards the bedroom where he occupies his favorite spot to sleep on, the floor rug. With a yawn and a scratch, sleep is welcomed. The eyes gradually blink out into dream state with yips and nips in response to the fun he has with his eyes closed and mind wandering.

So what is a day in the life of Apache? Wake up, clean up, eat up, sleep, bark and make a point heard, eat some more, more sleep, play and clean up, eat, and then drift back to sleep.

If that’s a dog’s life; give it all to me. I bow wow to it!

When Cows Get Crazy and Pigs Get Wheezy

Cleansing Mother Earth Naturally of Virulent Human Progeny

Terra Firma, our planet is ill. She seems to have harbored an extremely copious amount of homo sapiens and does not know of an effective way to manage her bulging wasteline! Over the recent centuries (which is relatively not much time for her) she has tried many remedies but the virulent exponential growth of mankind has thwarted all her attempts to get lighter.

Since the beginning of the the eighteenth century there have been multiple attempts to curb the excessive growth of this single species of life. The the land seems to shrink for most forms of life, humans continue to thrive. No matter the extent of adversity, the species has inched its way across all corners of this planet and is threatening to consume the lands buried under the vast oceans to accommodate its unfettered growth.

The Black Plague was the first recent purge resulting in the loss of thousands of human lives. It was a clinical attack to stem the eruption of human ecosystem that consumes every possible natural resource and leaves graves of wastelands unfit for residence by any other kind of life form.

This was followed by an apocalyptical event every hundred years as a cleansing ritual that Gaia initiated, executed, and ended leaving the two legged walkers gasping for breath. Though our spirit broke our hormones raged. Each death wave led to a larger progeny being born.

The 2oth century has been the worst. Mother Earth has accepted the fact that an event every century is not enough to stem the flow. She needed something continuous, something omnipresent, something omnipotent.

So she brought on AIDS, a scourge that weakened the very defense system that the species rely on. This was an immuno-dent we inherited from our closest genetic cousins. It was a cloaked warning that the humans should have heeded to. Instead of evaluating our mortality we grew defiant. We searched for chemistry that impacted our internal cosmology and protected our biology. More than 25 million deaths was not a sign loud enough. We failed to read the neon billboards.

Next the lady of the land gifted us Mad Cow Disease (MCD). This hit our population of infants and toddlers most. Another sign from her to hold back on the growth of a single species. So we killed the cows!

Deeply disturbed with our ecological paralysis she presented us with wave after wave of natural disasters. Typhoons, tornadoes, and tidal waves on the coasts, droughts and bush fires in the vegetation belts, and hurricanes everywhere else. This was no one time warning. Rather a string of events dotting every continent to pock mark the earth.

Were we perturbed? Rather than pay attention to the oracles we were cultivating pigs for stem cell, vein, and organ growth. She needed to react. So the porker became kosher. We were granted swine flu (H1N1). Interestingly enough it takes on where MCD left, affecting adolescents, teens, and youth; sparing the rest of the demography. Thus really impacting those who can or will soon be able to copulate and populate.

What’s next? Gaia is in a hurry. Humans, if you cannot deduce from the signs, historically trend the past! We need to flat line our ever-burgeoning growth. We are looking to reach 7b in the next one year. If it’s children that we love, adopt. But if it’s just about bloodline, there may be none left soon!